The Basketball in the Crib
The other day I saw a documentary about how relationships work. In this documentary there was a couple who was having marital problems. One of the issues they were discussing was the fact that the wife was fed up with the husband’s obsession with basketball. Now this man was over the top. He played the game for hours everyday. He referenced the game in almost every conversation he had, no matter the subject. And he even carried the ball around with him sometimes. It was easy to see why his wife was fed up.
This couple had been discussing this topic in therapy for weeks, getting nowhere And then, finally, the husband told this story. He said, “When I was a kid, my dad was murdered. The last and only memory I have of my father is him coming to my crib when I was two years old and placing a basketball in it. That’s why I love basketball so much. It’s the only connection I have with him.”
And suddenly everything changed. The husband’s behavior was still a problem, but now the wife understood. And her entire demeanor changed. She started to communicate better, and he started to respond. They were able to get past it, they reached a compromise. One that would not have been possible without that light bulb of understanding the husband’s story provided to his wife.
The husband’s obsession with basketball without an explanation made the wife angry. She thought maybe he was doing it just to annoy her, or maybe he just didn’t care how she felt. Anger seems to be the natural human response when we don’t understand someone else’s behavior. But understanding can change our entire demeanor.
This is one of the reasons why serial killers, child molesters, and rapists are considered the low of the low in our society. Because the rest of us just can’t understand why they would do something like that. But let’s take a child molester for example. Those two words “child molester” are enough for most people to immediately hate that person. But what if I were to tell you that the reason he does it is that he himself was sexually abused as a child. How does this change your attitude? For most people, it doesn’t excuse the act. The man should be locked up. But there is that pang of understanding in your heart, that sympathy for the child who became the man.
Here’s another example. Whom do you feel more sympathy for: a woman who shoots her husband because he was beating her, or a woman who shoots her husband for his money? Both women are murderers. But the first woman you understand her actions. You have heard the story that leads to the act, and you have deemed it worthy of sympathy.
These are obviously extreme examples. But they are truths of human behavior that can be distilled down to everyday life, like with the basketball in the crib. There are things that people do that annoy you, things that maybe don’t make sense to you. And I bet your thought process is something along the lines of “Oh my gosh she/he is such an annoying/frustrating/horrible person. I do not want to spend time with him/her.”
The great thing about human behavior is that once we understand it, we can change it. We can seek out the basketball in the crib. We can strive for understanding, and thus tolerance or acceptance. We can refuse the automatic anger that stirs in the heart and make the conscious choice to strive for something better. By doing this, by dismissing that gut reaction of anger and looking for the basketball, we will improve our relationships so much. Because if emotions like anger, betrayal and frustration are removed, defensive walls will fall and communication will improve.
The wife in the basketball story was hindering communication. She approached her husband in anger; her tone was accusatory and menacing. But as soon as she had that moment of understanding, her attitude changed. She still hated her husband’s behavior, but now she was able to communicate in a way that he could respond, in a way that didn’t put his walls up.
Before, when the wife would question her husband’s behavior in anger, the husband didn’t respond to her words. He probably didn’t even hear them. When the husband was confronted with anger, he responded to (and only to) the offensive emotion. And he responded to his wife’s emotion with his own; you guessed it, he responded in anger. And thus they created a terrible cycle of communication that lasted for years. But the second that cycle was stopped, the second anger was taken out of the equation, then suddenly communication was about what his wife was saying, not what she was feeling. The husband could now hear his wife’s words. He could hear what his actions were doing to her, and he want to change. That is how they reached their compromise. And all it took to stop the anger cycle, all it took to fix years of fighting, was a simple story about a basketball in a crib.
Avoid the anger, betrayal, and brokenness of failed communication. Seek out the basketball in the crib.
The other day I saw a documentary about how relationships work. In this documentary there was a couple who was having marital problems. One of the issues they were discussing was the fact that the wife was fed up with the husband’s obsession with basketball. Now this man was over the top. He played the game for hours everyday. He referenced the game in almost every conversation he had, no matter the subject. And he even carried the ball around with him sometimes. It was easy to see why his wife was fed up.
This couple had been discussing this topic in therapy for weeks, getting nowhere And then, finally, the husband told this story. He said, “When I was a kid, my dad was murdered. The last and only memory I have of my father is him coming to my crib when I was two years old and placing a basketball in it. That’s why I love basketball so much. It’s the only connection I have with him.”
And suddenly everything changed. The husband’s behavior was still a problem, but now the wife understood. And her entire demeanor changed. She started to communicate better, and he started to respond. They were able to get past it, they reached a compromise. One that would not have been possible without that light bulb of understanding the husband’s story provided to his wife.
The husband’s obsession with basketball without an explanation made the wife angry. She thought maybe he was doing it just to annoy her, or maybe he just didn’t care how she felt. Anger seems to be the natural human response when we don’t understand someone else’s behavior. But understanding can change our entire demeanor.
This is one of the reasons why serial killers, child molesters, and rapists are considered the low of the low in our society. Because the rest of us just can’t understand why they would do something like that. But let’s take a child molester for example. Those two words “child molester” are enough for most people to immediately hate that person. But what if I were to tell you that the reason he does it is that he himself was sexually abused as a child. How does this change your attitude? For most people, it doesn’t excuse the act. The man should be locked up. But there is that pang of understanding in your heart, that sympathy for the child who became the man.
Here’s another example. Whom do you feel more sympathy for: a woman who shoots her husband because he was beating her, or a woman who shoots her husband for his money? Both women are murderers. But the first woman you understand her actions. You have heard the story that leads to the act, and you have deemed it worthy of sympathy.
These are obviously extreme examples. But they are truths of human behavior that can be distilled down to everyday life, like with the basketball in the crib. There are things that people do that annoy you, things that maybe don’t make sense to you. And I bet your thought process is something along the lines of “Oh my gosh she/he is such an annoying/frustrating/horrible person. I do not want to spend time with him/her.”
The great thing about human behavior is that once we understand it, we can change it. We can seek out the basketball in the crib. We can strive for understanding, and thus tolerance or acceptance. We can refuse the automatic anger that stirs in the heart and make the conscious choice to strive for something better. By doing this, by dismissing that gut reaction of anger and looking for the basketball, we will improve our relationships so much. Because if emotions like anger, betrayal and frustration are removed, defensive walls will fall and communication will improve.
The wife in the basketball story was hindering communication. She approached her husband in anger; her tone was accusatory and menacing. But as soon as she had that moment of understanding, her attitude changed. She still hated her husband’s behavior, but now she was able to communicate in a way that he could respond, in a way that didn’t put his walls up.
Before, when the wife would question her husband’s behavior in anger, the husband didn’t respond to her words. He probably didn’t even hear them. When the husband was confronted with anger, he responded to (and only to) the offensive emotion. And he responded to his wife’s emotion with his own; you guessed it, he responded in anger. And thus they created a terrible cycle of communication that lasted for years. But the second that cycle was stopped, the second anger was taken out of the equation, then suddenly communication was about what his wife was saying, not what she was feeling. The husband could now hear his wife’s words. He could hear what his actions were doing to her, and he want to change. That is how they reached their compromise. And all it took to stop the anger cycle, all it took to fix years of fighting, was a simple story about a basketball in a crib.
Avoid the anger, betrayal, and brokenness of failed communication. Seek out the basketball in the crib.