Pending Comprehension
MAY
I closed my eyes and breathed. It just made him lecture louder. I retreated into my mind.
Shut up, shut up, shut up.
“How can you just sit there and say everything is going to work out?! I can’t just leave it here!” Evil Jack shouted at me.
“Well, It’s huge. No one is going to take it. And it’s only a day.” I said
I sound too timid. Stand up for yourself, girl. This isn’t your fault.
It was four O’clock in the morning and we had only just finished the final take for the night. I was barely awake as the director yelled at me. I had nicked-named him Evil Jack behind his back because he was, well, evilish. He, once again, hadn’t thought things through, and now we had no way to transport or store a large antique desk. And this was somehow my fault.
This is the last time I sign on with an unschooled independent.
“That’s not an option. Fix this or you’re fired.” Jack said.
Right like this crappy nothing little film would even make it to post without me.
“I could maybe put some equipment in my car and the desk can go in yours,” I offered.
“Too small. Wouldn’t fit everything,” Jack replied.
Drew.
“Wait! My boyfriend has a huge SUV,” I said.
“Call him,” Jack ordered.
I felt bad but I did it anyways. Twenty minutes later I was carrying the heavy desk down five flights of stairs with one of the grips.
Drew stood there awkwardly, his car flashers illuminating him intermittently in the dark. He wasn’t tall, but not short either. Not fat, but not skinny and not a developed muscle to speak of. His dark hair fell messily around his grey-green eyes. His heavy glasses and posture gave him away as a nerd immediately. It was clear that he was not too happy to be awake. He was awkward and messy and unsophisticated. He was wonderful.
Drew pitched in as the grips and I struggled to lift the heavy desk into his car. He swept me away and got me home and away from Evil Jack. The night was over. Finally.
***
APRIL Comes before May
“You start production next week?” My best friend, Jen, asked.
I looked over at the my friend, Kate, who was currently dealing the card game. “Hit me,” I said and turned to Jen, “Yeah. I join the pre-production planning tomorrow. It looks like it’s gonna be a long shoot. Hey, you know anyone with a large antique desk? We need one.”
“Nope, sorry. You think the movie’s gonna be any good?” she asked, as Kate passed me my cards.
“Probably not. The story’s not too bad, but they’ll probably screw it up. The director seems like an A-”I looked up at Drew, who was studying his cards intently and changed my language quickly, “-Jerk” I looked at my cards and did some quick addition.
Damn, 23.
“What’s it about?” Andy asked.
“It’s got this kind of cool emotional ark thing going. It’s not in chronological order, it’s in emotional order,” I said.
“Sounds weird,” replied Andy.
“It’s going to be difficult to pull off. You have to really pay attention in order to make sense of it. I doubt Jack, the director, can do it,” I sighed.
It’s like my life. An emotional, out-of-order mess. 500 freakin Days of Summer.
I looked around the room. My four closest friends were gathered around Jen’s kitchen table for our weekly card night. Tonight it was 21. I looked over at Kate, the current dealer. I gave her a frustrated look and folded. Jen took a card.
Wish I could count cards like Jim Sturgess.
“I still don’t see why we can’t bet,” Andy said as it got to his turn.
“Because Drew doesn’t like it,” I replied a little too suddenly.
“Gambling is one of Satan’s most successful temptations,” Drew chimed in.
“Tight ass,” Andy disguised the words through a cough.
“Show,” said Kate. Jen won the hand. It was my turn to deal. I started passing out cards.
“I think it shows incredible self-control,” I said.
Andy snorted. Jen nudged me under the table and rolled her eyes.
I hid my blush by looking at my cards. A two and an Ace.
Great.
Jen passed on cards, got up and went to get a beer from the fridge. Andy took a card, he was still in. It was Drew’s turn.
“Hit me,” he said.
“Ok,” I smiled, leaned over the table and punched him lightly in the arm.
“Hey! What was that for?!” Drew looked up in confusion. My face turned red.
“Um, I… it was a joke…” I stuttered.
“Oh, my God,” Jen said, exasperated.
“Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain,” Drew said automatically.
“We’re out of beer,” Jen said, “Kate, Andy, come with me to the store.”
I looked over Drew’s shoulder into the fridge, which was packed almost exclusively with beer.
“Well, then don’t drink it. It’s bad for you and it tastes awful,” Drew said, staring at his cards.
“Well, I need it. Kate? Andy?” Jen said.
Kate and Andy looked from Drew to me, put down their cards, and got up.
“Well then, here, I’ll come too. I want a Coke anyways,” Drew made to get up.
“No. We got it. I’ll get you one,” Jen said as she hustled Kate and Andy out. She gave me a meaningful look as she closed the door.
Drew got up and turned on the TV. He plopped down on the couch. I took a deep breath.
It’s now or never.
I got up and went over to the TV and turned it off.
“Hey!” Drew protested.
“I just thought we could talk for a second.” I said hesitantly. I walked over and sat next to him on the couch.
“Why?” he asked.
“I dunno. I think it might be, um, useful.” I said. I lifted my body with my arms and scooted closer to him. Our legs were touching.
Oh my God. That was stupid. What am I doing?
“Ok…” he said, confused.
“Well, um, we’ve known each other a while,” I let my voice fall off.
“Yep,” He replied.
I bit my lip and turned to fully face him.
You can do this. He’d be a fool not to love you. Blah blah blah. Whatever.
“And I, I mean I haven’t exactly made my feelings a secret,” I stammered, “And, well, if you don’t feel the same, that’s ok. It won’t be weird, I promise. I just thought we should talk about it.”
“Talk about what?” Drew asked.
He doesn’t know?
“My, er, feelings,” I said.
“Feelings?” Drew asked.
He doesn’t know!
“Oh. Well. Um…” I was at a loss for words.
Just say it. Get it over with.
“I like you,” I blurted out.
“Yeah. I like you too,” He still seemed confused.
Wow, he is really really oblivious.
“No I mean I like like you,” I said.
Like like? What am I, twelve?
“Oh,” Drew said wide eyed, “Really?”
“Yeah, moron, I can’t believe you didn’t know,” I teased.
“Hey! I’m not a moron,” Drew countered.
Sensitive much?
“I was kidding. It was… sarcasm,” I stammered, “It’s just that like everyone else besides you knows.” I stared intently at my lap.
“Oh… They do?” he asked.
“Yeah.”
“Oh.” He sounded intrigued, but I couldn’t make myself look at him to be sure.
“Yeah. So. Um… do you… Um. Do you wanna go out with me?” I asked my lap.
“Ok,” he replied.
I looked up, “Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh. Cool.”
***
JUNE Comes after April
“Thank you again for that whole thing with the desk,” I looked across the table at Drew.
He is like a puppy. My little puppy.
“No problem,” Drew fiddled with his coffee. He was having trouble opening a sugar package.
A little puppy with huge paws that just don’t seem to work right. Adorable.
Drew looked like he had something more to say.
“Did everything go okay at the drop off?” I asked.
It’s like Lady and the Tramp. We should get spaghetti tonight.
“Well, they were really late,” Drew said apologetically, “I mean I don’t blame you.”
“What happened?”
“They made me miss church.” Drew said to his coffee cup.
Curse you Evil Jack! You upset my puppy!
“Oh no” I said, “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay,” he looked up, reached across the table and took my hand, “You’re worth it.”
Wow, he missed church for me?
“I call him Evil Jack behind his back. Makes me feel better. You could try it.” I offered.
“I’d rather just think about you. Works so much better,” Drew gave me a little smile.
AWWWWW! So cheesy. So wonderfully cheesy. He’s a dream. Within a dream, within a dream. Haha
I smiled a huge stupid grin. “Um, well are you ready to go?”
“Yeah sure,” he said and got up.
He held the door for me on the way out.
I love Texas men. I’d definitely live in dream limbo with him.
***
SEPTEMBER Comes after June
I grabbed my huge red suitcase in one hand and the small black carry-on in the other and raced down the stairs. Drew was supposed to meet me a half an hour ago, but I couldn’t wait any more. I could not miss this flight.
Drew was waiting at the bottom of the stairs.
Well hello O reliable one.
“Where have you been?! I’m gonna miss my flight!” I said, pulling out the handles of both suitcases. I turned around so I could roll them both, one in each hand.
“I’ve got it,” Drew said. He reached out and took the tiny carry-on handle. I said nothing as I grabbed the huge heavy one and set off down the street, towards the parking garage at the end of the block. Drew hurried in my wake.
The little one? Really? Oh what a man.
“I’ve been waiting for you for twenty minutes,” Drew defended himself.
You have got to be kidding me.
“Well why didn’t you come up and help? I was waiting for you,” I huffed as I raced to the parking garage stairs. I shoved the handle back into the suitcase and started struggling up the stairs. Drew picked up his and followed.
“I didn’t know you wanted me to,” Drew replied.
I reached my floor and stopped and stared at him for a second. Turning around abruptly I yanked the handle back out of my suitcase and started towards my car. Drew followed, not bothering to return to pulling the little carry-on.
Whoo hoo, big man can carry a couple of sweatshirts in a little baggie.
I got to my car and yanked my keys out of my pocket. I thrust the trunk open a little too hard. Struggling I lifted the big red suitcase amongst the random papers and other junk that never seems to leave my car. Drew handed me the carry-on and I shoved it in too.
Idiot.
I opened the driver’s door and got in. I turned to close the door on him, but he was standing in the way.
“I’m going to miss you,” Drew said, a stupid little smile on his face.
Oh crap.
“I’ll miss you too. But it won’t be so bad. We can Skype and stuff,” I replied, eager to get him out of my way.
“It’s still gonna suck,” Drew complained.
Oh big baby. Yeah really gonna suck for you to get pampered by your mommy and play golf with daddy all day for a month. Poor little rich boy.
“Yeah, it is. But we can do it,” I countered.
Drew leaned into me.
Should’ve thought this through, now I’m trapped. Just do it, and you can leave.
He leaned in for his usual wet, sloppy, unpleasant kiss.
Ugh, he is attacking my face.
I pulled back in my usual attempt to get him to slow down. No luck. I pulled away completely.
“I have to go. I’m gonna miss my flight,” I said.
“I’m gonna miss you,” he stepped away from the car.
“Me too,” I pulled the door shut and turned on the car. My music came on automatically, full volume. Drew knocked on my window as I put the car in reverse. I rolled down the window.
I really have to go Drew.
“I’m gonna miss you,” he shouted over the speakers. He looked like a wounded puppy. It was more annoying than adorable this time.
I know…
I looked at his face.
This is not personal. I have to go.
“Yeah, me too,” I shouted back.
“Are you mad at me?” Drew said, like I was intentionally insulting him.
“No. I just don’t wanna miss my flight,” I started backing out.
UGH! I am not George Clooney. I only fly once a year. Get used to it.
“I’ll miss you,” he said again.
I pulled out of the parking spot and got the hell out of there.
***
JULY Comes before September
We sat in the theatre, waiting for the latest Disney movie to start. The rest of the options were too scary for Drew.
That’s not fair. I love Disney movies. Probably would’ve picked it regardless.
“Sorry I didn’t bring enough cash,” Drew said. He didn’t look sorry.
“It’s alright,” I lied, “I don’t mind paying.”
There was a kid kicking my seat. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Drew turned around in his seat.
“Hey, how’s it going buddy?” he asked the little brat.
The kid stuck out his tongue at us.
“Stop it Tommy,” the kid’s mother said. She turned to us, “Sorry. The babysitter gave him sugar earlier.”
“It’s ok,” I lied.
“Hey. You know you’re not gonna able to see the movie if you sit like that,” Drew said patiently to the kid.
“Uh huh!” said Tommy.
I smiled conspiratorially at Drew and moved to sit on my knees on the chair.
“Hey!” Tommy exclaimed.
“Oh no! Can you not see?” Drew chuckled.
“Make her sit down!” Tommy shouted. I looked at his mother. She was completely checked out.
“Well, now I can’t do that. She doesn’t listen to me. Hey! Wait a minute, I know! Maybe she will if you listen to your mom,” Drew said as he turned to me.
“Will you sit down if Tommy here agrees to stop kicking your chair like his mom said?” Drew asked, smiling.
I pretended to think about it, “Well… Okay.” I plopped down in my seat.
He’s a regular Daddy Day Care!
I looked over at Drew and smiled. He was chewing on something.
“What are you eating?” I asked. We hadn’t gotten any popcorn or anything.
“Oh. I eat too fast sometimes and my dinner comes back up. I have to re-chew it,” Drew answered matter of factly.
“Oh,” I said, “Ew.”
Oh my god! Gross. Why on earth would he tell me that?!
I was saved from further conversation by the previews. A girl wearing a short skirt and low cut top was dancing on a stage.
“Gross,” Drew said. He turned to me, “I’m just gonna look at the prettiest girl here.”
I looked at the screen. The girl was running through a field now wearing a thin sundress.
Oh please. It’s a PG preview!
His sweaty hand grabbed mine suddenly, his arm on top of mine, squishing it. I sat there uncomfortably and silently for the rest of the movie.
***
AUGUST Comes after July
Drew sat there staring at me. The credits to Legally Blonde were rolling in the background. It took all of my will power to not pay attention to the names of the key grip and the stunt doubles and Reese Witherspoon’s makeup artist. Instead I just sat there looking back at him. “Perfect Day”, one of my favorite 90’s songs was playing in the background. I reached for the remote and turned off the movie. Patience has never been a big strong suit of mine and it was taking everything I had to let him take the step I knew he had to do on his own to be a man or whatever.
The song was stuck in my head. I tried to focus my attention, he was still staring, and I was still waiting. I nodded at him, just in case he was confused as to whether or not he had the right to do it; though he shouldn’t have been. We had been dating for two months and I was getting sick of the lack of action.
“It’s a per-fect da-ay. Nothin’ standin’ in my wa-ay…”
I tried not to hum out loud. He took of his glasses, flinging them off to the side with a sweep of his hand.
He looks like an idiot. No that’s not true. Well yes it is, but still... He is so nervous. I have never seen hands shake so much. I can hear his heart beating. God, it sounds like he has just finished a marathon.
“On this per-fect da-ay. When… uh… something something wro-ong…”
Crap, what are the lyrics?
Drew looked at the door. It was closed; my roommates were blasting the stereo in the other room. He changed his mind about the glasses and poked himself in the eye getting them back on. I pretended like I didn’t see.
Oh wait, I got it! It’s “When something can go wro-ong!” No wait. Nothing! “When nothing can go wro-ong!” Ha, ironic.
He was staring again. I smiled encouragingly. He leaned toward me about an inch. He stopped and stared at me.
“It’s a per-fect da-ay…”
My roommate’s stereo screamed Evanescence. He moved another inch. The chorus hit in the next room over.
“WAKE ME UP INSIDE!”
Drew moved back three inches. Sigh. His heart was beating loud enough to be the bass drum in the heavy metal happiness on the other side of my wall.
“It’s a per-fect da-ay. Nothing’s gonna bring me do-own…”
You know, Will Smith said in Hitch that the guy is supposed to go 90% and then the girl goes the last 10%. It probably works backwards too right?
I moved in a couple inches. He didn’t move away, so yay; progress. I lowered my eyelids in a look that I hope was smoldering, but was probably just confusing.
“I could st-ay forever as I am…”
No I really can’t. Let’s get a move on it.
Drew just sat there, staring.
At least he’s looking at my eyes and not my boobs. It could be worse I guess. All the guys in That 70’s Show couldn’t stop looking at pornos. I know for a fact he doesn’t have any pornos, nor will he ever get any. Maybe I should buy him a Play Boy. No, judging from the way his heart is acting now, a dirty magazine would probably give him a heart attack.
He wasn’t moving.
Oh God, I hope he’s not asexual. Or one of those forever-in-the-closet gay men.
He shifted on the bed, twisting his body around so that his lap was no longer in my line of sight.
Nope, not gay.
He moved in a little more. Now we were getting somewhere. There were only a few inches between us.
Too bad I already used up my 10%. Maybe… no, this is something he needs to do for himself. Well…
I took up one more inch.
Ok, that’s it though. I have to let him do the rest on his own.
He moved another half an inch.
Come on! Really?!
Drew reached for his glasses and tried to take them off again. We were only a few inches apart, so he ended up jabbing me in the eye. He put the glasses back on. I pretended like I didn’t notice. My eye was watering.
I blinked.
When I opened my eyes again, Drew was less than an inch away from me.
Whoa. Didn’t know he could move that fast.
My hands were trapped in between us. It felt like his heart was trying to escape his chest with every beat.
That cannot be healthy.
He blinked behind his glasses and moved in a little further, still not going for it.
He needs a breath mint... Eh, could be worse.
He licked his lips.
Do NOT roll your eyes at him! He needs support, come on.
I closed the distance. It was just a peck, a little tiny first kiss. I jerked back a few inches.
Oops… Well he can have the second one I gu…
Drew launched himself at me. I hit my head on the wall, but he didn’t seem to notice. He was opening and closing his mouth like a slimy, wet large-mouthed bass fish.
Ok, ok. Um. Ew. No. No. I am being supportive here. He needs me to be supportive here.
Open, close, open, close… His five O’clock shadow was chafing against my face.
Ow.
The door banged open in the other room. The Evanescence grew louder. He pulled away. I smiled at him. He got up, faced away from me, and bent down to tie his perfectly laced shoe. I pretended like I didn’t know what was going on. After a minute or so he turned around.
“Well, how was it?” he asked.
“It was good. You did great.” I lied.
It’ll get better. Right?
“It’s a per-fect da-ay”
***
OCTOBER Comes after August
“I’ve only got a sec,” I said, “I have to get to work. What’s up?”
I opened the apartment door wider so Drew could come in as I dashed around getting ready for another day of shooting with Evil Jack. He stepped in front of me and I gave him a quick hug before turning to resume the dash.
Gosh. His heart is really going! I really need to get him to see a doctor about that.
“I’m really bad at this,” Drew said. He didn’t let go of me.
Oh. Wait. This is serious.
I leaned back a little and looked up at him, “What’s up?”
He kept holding me tight. “I just don’t think this is working,” Drew said, not looking back at me, but over my shoulder at the wall.
Oh. My. God.
“Oh,” was all I could think to say.
“I just… I don’t have enough time to devote to you right now. And well, that’s not really fair to you,” Drew stuttered and held me tighter.
In other words; it’s not you, it’s me. Please.
I struggled out of his grasp. “Oh,” I said again, looking at the ground.
“And I don’t feel like I get to spend enough time with you. You’re always off on set,” Drew said softly.
I looked up at him incredulously.
Hmm, don’t you think it might have helped if you told me this. And it’s my job, I don’t have a choice but to be on set. You think I want to be with Evil Jack twenty-four seven?!
“Um,” was all I said out loud.
“I mean, I’m really thinking about you here,” Drew said to the wall.
Liar.
“I still want to be friends,” he looked at me now. His face was scrunched up, like he was trying to convince me, and maybe himself, that he was in pain.
Oh hell no!
“Oh. Um. Ok. Um. Well, if you ever need anything, I’m here for you,” I lied.
Why did I say that?
“Yeah same here,” Drew shifted uncomfortably.
“Well, I have to get to work,” I opened the door.
“Um, Bye,” Drew said as he dashed away.
I turned around mechanically and grabbed my equipment bag. I waited a few seconds so I wouldn’t run into him on the stairs. Then I locked my door and headed off to meet Evil Jack.
I closed my eyes and breathed. It just made him lecture louder. I retreated into my mind.
Shut up, shut up, shut up.
“How can you just sit there and say everything is going to work out?! I can’t just leave it here!” Evil Jack shouted at me.
“Well, It’s huge. No one is going to take it. And it’s only a day.” I said
I sound too timid. Stand up for yourself, girl. This isn’t your fault.
It was four O’clock in the morning and we had only just finished the final take for the night. I was barely awake as the director yelled at me. I had nicked-named him Evil Jack behind his back because he was, well, evilish. He, once again, hadn’t thought things through, and now we had no way to transport or store a large antique desk. And this was somehow my fault.
This is the last time I sign on with an unschooled independent.
“That’s not an option. Fix this or you’re fired.” Jack said.
Right like this crappy nothing little film would even make it to post without me.
“I could maybe put some equipment in my car and the desk can go in yours,” I offered.
“Too small. Wouldn’t fit everything,” Jack replied.
Drew.
“Wait! My boyfriend has a huge SUV,” I said.
“Call him,” Jack ordered.
I felt bad but I did it anyways. Twenty minutes later I was carrying the heavy desk down five flights of stairs with one of the grips.
Drew stood there awkwardly, his car flashers illuminating him intermittently in the dark. He wasn’t tall, but not short either. Not fat, but not skinny and not a developed muscle to speak of. His dark hair fell messily around his grey-green eyes. His heavy glasses and posture gave him away as a nerd immediately. It was clear that he was not too happy to be awake. He was awkward and messy and unsophisticated. He was wonderful.
Drew pitched in as the grips and I struggled to lift the heavy desk into his car. He swept me away and got me home and away from Evil Jack. The night was over. Finally.
***
APRIL Comes before May
“You start production next week?” My best friend, Jen, asked.
I looked over at the my friend, Kate, who was currently dealing the card game. “Hit me,” I said and turned to Jen, “Yeah. I join the pre-production planning tomorrow. It looks like it’s gonna be a long shoot. Hey, you know anyone with a large antique desk? We need one.”
“Nope, sorry. You think the movie’s gonna be any good?” she asked, as Kate passed me my cards.
“Probably not. The story’s not too bad, but they’ll probably screw it up. The director seems like an A-”I looked up at Drew, who was studying his cards intently and changed my language quickly, “-Jerk” I looked at my cards and did some quick addition.
Damn, 23.
“What’s it about?” Andy asked.
“It’s got this kind of cool emotional ark thing going. It’s not in chronological order, it’s in emotional order,” I said.
“Sounds weird,” replied Andy.
“It’s going to be difficult to pull off. You have to really pay attention in order to make sense of it. I doubt Jack, the director, can do it,” I sighed.
It’s like my life. An emotional, out-of-order mess. 500 freakin Days of Summer.
I looked around the room. My four closest friends were gathered around Jen’s kitchen table for our weekly card night. Tonight it was 21. I looked over at Kate, the current dealer. I gave her a frustrated look and folded. Jen took a card.
Wish I could count cards like Jim Sturgess.
“I still don’t see why we can’t bet,” Andy said as it got to his turn.
“Because Drew doesn’t like it,” I replied a little too suddenly.
“Gambling is one of Satan’s most successful temptations,” Drew chimed in.
“Tight ass,” Andy disguised the words through a cough.
“Show,” said Kate. Jen won the hand. It was my turn to deal. I started passing out cards.
“I think it shows incredible self-control,” I said.
Andy snorted. Jen nudged me under the table and rolled her eyes.
I hid my blush by looking at my cards. A two and an Ace.
Great.
Jen passed on cards, got up and went to get a beer from the fridge. Andy took a card, he was still in. It was Drew’s turn.
“Hit me,” he said.
“Ok,” I smiled, leaned over the table and punched him lightly in the arm.
“Hey! What was that for?!” Drew looked up in confusion. My face turned red.
“Um, I… it was a joke…” I stuttered.
“Oh, my God,” Jen said, exasperated.
“Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain,” Drew said automatically.
“We’re out of beer,” Jen said, “Kate, Andy, come with me to the store.”
I looked over Drew’s shoulder into the fridge, which was packed almost exclusively with beer.
“Well, then don’t drink it. It’s bad for you and it tastes awful,” Drew said, staring at his cards.
“Well, I need it. Kate? Andy?” Jen said.
Kate and Andy looked from Drew to me, put down their cards, and got up.
“Well then, here, I’ll come too. I want a Coke anyways,” Drew made to get up.
“No. We got it. I’ll get you one,” Jen said as she hustled Kate and Andy out. She gave me a meaningful look as she closed the door.
Drew got up and turned on the TV. He plopped down on the couch. I took a deep breath.
It’s now or never.
I got up and went over to the TV and turned it off.
“Hey!” Drew protested.
“I just thought we could talk for a second.” I said hesitantly. I walked over and sat next to him on the couch.
“Why?” he asked.
“I dunno. I think it might be, um, useful.” I said. I lifted my body with my arms and scooted closer to him. Our legs were touching.
Oh my God. That was stupid. What am I doing?
“Ok…” he said, confused.
“Well, um, we’ve known each other a while,” I let my voice fall off.
“Yep,” He replied.
I bit my lip and turned to fully face him.
You can do this. He’d be a fool not to love you. Blah blah blah. Whatever.
“And I, I mean I haven’t exactly made my feelings a secret,” I stammered, “And, well, if you don’t feel the same, that’s ok. It won’t be weird, I promise. I just thought we should talk about it.”
“Talk about what?” Drew asked.
He doesn’t know?
“My, er, feelings,” I said.
“Feelings?” Drew asked.
He doesn’t know!
“Oh. Well. Um…” I was at a loss for words.
Just say it. Get it over with.
“I like you,” I blurted out.
“Yeah. I like you too,” He still seemed confused.
Wow, he is really really oblivious.
“No I mean I like like you,” I said.
Like like? What am I, twelve?
“Oh,” Drew said wide eyed, “Really?”
“Yeah, moron, I can’t believe you didn’t know,” I teased.
“Hey! I’m not a moron,” Drew countered.
Sensitive much?
“I was kidding. It was… sarcasm,” I stammered, “It’s just that like everyone else besides you knows.” I stared intently at my lap.
“Oh… They do?” he asked.
“Yeah.”
“Oh.” He sounded intrigued, but I couldn’t make myself look at him to be sure.
“Yeah. So. Um… do you… Um. Do you wanna go out with me?” I asked my lap.
“Ok,” he replied.
I looked up, “Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh. Cool.”
***
JUNE Comes after April
“Thank you again for that whole thing with the desk,” I looked across the table at Drew.
He is like a puppy. My little puppy.
“No problem,” Drew fiddled with his coffee. He was having trouble opening a sugar package.
A little puppy with huge paws that just don’t seem to work right. Adorable.
Drew looked like he had something more to say.
“Did everything go okay at the drop off?” I asked.
It’s like Lady and the Tramp. We should get spaghetti tonight.
“Well, they were really late,” Drew said apologetically, “I mean I don’t blame you.”
“What happened?”
“They made me miss church.” Drew said to his coffee cup.
Curse you Evil Jack! You upset my puppy!
“Oh no” I said, “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay,” he looked up, reached across the table and took my hand, “You’re worth it.”
Wow, he missed church for me?
“I call him Evil Jack behind his back. Makes me feel better. You could try it.” I offered.
“I’d rather just think about you. Works so much better,” Drew gave me a little smile.
AWWWWW! So cheesy. So wonderfully cheesy. He’s a dream. Within a dream, within a dream. Haha
I smiled a huge stupid grin. “Um, well are you ready to go?”
“Yeah sure,” he said and got up.
He held the door for me on the way out.
I love Texas men. I’d definitely live in dream limbo with him.
***
SEPTEMBER Comes after June
I grabbed my huge red suitcase in one hand and the small black carry-on in the other and raced down the stairs. Drew was supposed to meet me a half an hour ago, but I couldn’t wait any more. I could not miss this flight.
Drew was waiting at the bottom of the stairs.
Well hello O reliable one.
“Where have you been?! I’m gonna miss my flight!” I said, pulling out the handles of both suitcases. I turned around so I could roll them both, one in each hand.
“I’ve got it,” Drew said. He reached out and took the tiny carry-on handle. I said nothing as I grabbed the huge heavy one and set off down the street, towards the parking garage at the end of the block. Drew hurried in my wake.
The little one? Really? Oh what a man.
“I’ve been waiting for you for twenty minutes,” Drew defended himself.
You have got to be kidding me.
“Well why didn’t you come up and help? I was waiting for you,” I huffed as I raced to the parking garage stairs. I shoved the handle back into the suitcase and started struggling up the stairs. Drew picked up his and followed.
“I didn’t know you wanted me to,” Drew replied.
I reached my floor and stopped and stared at him for a second. Turning around abruptly I yanked the handle back out of my suitcase and started towards my car. Drew followed, not bothering to return to pulling the little carry-on.
Whoo hoo, big man can carry a couple of sweatshirts in a little baggie.
I got to my car and yanked my keys out of my pocket. I thrust the trunk open a little too hard. Struggling I lifted the big red suitcase amongst the random papers and other junk that never seems to leave my car. Drew handed me the carry-on and I shoved it in too.
Idiot.
I opened the driver’s door and got in. I turned to close the door on him, but he was standing in the way.
“I’m going to miss you,” Drew said, a stupid little smile on his face.
Oh crap.
“I’ll miss you too. But it won’t be so bad. We can Skype and stuff,” I replied, eager to get him out of my way.
“It’s still gonna suck,” Drew complained.
Oh big baby. Yeah really gonna suck for you to get pampered by your mommy and play golf with daddy all day for a month. Poor little rich boy.
“Yeah, it is. But we can do it,” I countered.
Drew leaned into me.
Should’ve thought this through, now I’m trapped. Just do it, and you can leave.
He leaned in for his usual wet, sloppy, unpleasant kiss.
Ugh, he is attacking my face.
I pulled back in my usual attempt to get him to slow down. No luck. I pulled away completely.
“I have to go. I’m gonna miss my flight,” I said.
“I’m gonna miss you,” he stepped away from the car.
“Me too,” I pulled the door shut and turned on the car. My music came on automatically, full volume. Drew knocked on my window as I put the car in reverse. I rolled down the window.
I really have to go Drew.
“I’m gonna miss you,” he shouted over the speakers. He looked like a wounded puppy. It was more annoying than adorable this time.
I know…
I looked at his face.
This is not personal. I have to go.
“Yeah, me too,” I shouted back.
“Are you mad at me?” Drew said, like I was intentionally insulting him.
“No. I just don’t wanna miss my flight,” I started backing out.
UGH! I am not George Clooney. I only fly once a year. Get used to it.
“I’ll miss you,” he said again.
I pulled out of the parking spot and got the hell out of there.
***
JULY Comes before September
We sat in the theatre, waiting for the latest Disney movie to start. The rest of the options were too scary for Drew.
That’s not fair. I love Disney movies. Probably would’ve picked it regardless.
“Sorry I didn’t bring enough cash,” Drew said. He didn’t look sorry.
“It’s alright,” I lied, “I don’t mind paying.”
There was a kid kicking my seat. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Drew turned around in his seat.
“Hey, how’s it going buddy?” he asked the little brat.
The kid stuck out his tongue at us.
“Stop it Tommy,” the kid’s mother said. She turned to us, “Sorry. The babysitter gave him sugar earlier.”
“It’s ok,” I lied.
“Hey. You know you’re not gonna able to see the movie if you sit like that,” Drew said patiently to the kid.
“Uh huh!” said Tommy.
I smiled conspiratorially at Drew and moved to sit on my knees on the chair.
“Hey!” Tommy exclaimed.
“Oh no! Can you not see?” Drew chuckled.
“Make her sit down!” Tommy shouted. I looked at his mother. She was completely checked out.
“Well, now I can’t do that. She doesn’t listen to me. Hey! Wait a minute, I know! Maybe she will if you listen to your mom,” Drew said as he turned to me.
“Will you sit down if Tommy here agrees to stop kicking your chair like his mom said?” Drew asked, smiling.
I pretended to think about it, “Well… Okay.” I plopped down in my seat.
He’s a regular Daddy Day Care!
I looked over at Drew and smiled. He was chewing on something.
“What are you eating?” I asked. We hadn’t gotten any popcorn or anything.
“Oh. I eat too fast sometimes and my dinner comes back up. I have to re-chew it,” Drew answered matter of factly.
“Oh,” I said, “Ew.”
Oh my god! Gross. Why on earth would he tell me that?!
I was saved from further conversation by the previews. A girl wearing a short skirt and low cut top was dancing on a stage.
“Gross,” Drew said. He turned to me, “I’m just gonna look at the prettiest girl here.”
I looked at the screen. The girl was running through a field now wearing a thin sundress.
Oh please. It’s a PG preview!
His sweaty hand grabbed mine suddenly, his arm on top of mine, squishing it. I sat there uncomfortably and silently for the rest of the movie.
***
AUGUST Comes after July
Drew sat there staring at me. The credits to Legally Blonde were rolling in the background. It took all of my will power to not pay attention to the names of the key grip and the stunt doubles and Reese Witherspoon’s makeup artist. Instead I just sat there looking back at him. “Perfect Day”, one of my favorite 90’s songs was playing in the background. I reached for the remote and turned off the movie. Patience has never been a big strong suit of mine and it was taking everything I had to let him take the step I knew he had to do on his own to be a man or whatever.
The song was stuck in my head. I tried to focus my attention, he was still staring, and I was still waiting. I nodded at him, just in case he was confused as to whether or not he had the right to do it; though he shouldn’t have been. We had been dating for two months and I was getting sick of the lack of action.
“It’s a per-fect da-ay. Nothin’ standin’ in my wa-ay…”
I tried not to hum out loud. He took of his glasses, flinging them off to the side with a sweep of his hand.
He looks like an idiot. No that’s not true. Well yes it is, but still... He is so nervous. I have never seen hands shake so much. I can hear his heart beating. God, it sounds like he has just finished a marathon.
“On this per-fect da-ay. When… uh… something something wro-ong…”
Crap, what are the lyrics?
Drew looked at the door. It was closed; my roommates were blasting the stereo in the other room. He changed his mind about the glasses and poked himself in the eye getting them back on. I pretended like I didn’t see.
Oh wait, I got it! It’s “When something can go wro-ong!” No wait. Nothing! “When nothing can go wro-ong!” Ha, ironic.
He was staring again. I smiled encouragingly. He leaned toward me about an inch. He stopped and stared at me.
“It’s a per-fect da-ay…”
My roommate’s stereo screamed Evanescence. He moved another inch. The chorus hit in the next room over.
“WAKE ME UP INSIDE!”
Drew moved back three inches. Sigh. His heart was beating loud enough to be the bass drum in the heavy metal happiness on the other side of my wall.
“It’s a per-fect da-ay. Nothing’s gonna bring me do-own…”
You know, Will Smith said in Hitch that the guy is supposed to go 90% and then the girl goes the last 10%. It probably works backwards too right?
I moved in a couple inches. He didn’t move away, so yay; progress. I lowered my eyelids in a look that I hope was smoldering, but was probably just confusing.
“I could st-ay forever as I am…”
No I really can’t. Let’s get a move on it.
Drew just sat there, staring.
At least he’s looking at my eyes and not my boobs. It could be worse I guess. All the guys in That 70’s Show couldn’t stop looking at pornos. I know for a fact he doesn’t have any pornos, nor will he ever get any. Maybe I should buy him a Play Boy. No, judging from the way his heart is acting now, a dirty magazine would probably give him a heart attack.
He wasn’t moving.
Oh God, I hope he’s not asexual. Or one of those forever-in-the-closet gay men.
He shifted on the bed, twisting his body around so that his lap was no longer in my line of sight.
Nope, not gay.
He moved in a little more. Now we were getting somewhere. There were only a few inches between us.
Too bad I already used up my 10%. Maybe… no, this is something he needs to do for himself. Well…
I took up one more inch.
Ok, that’s it though. I have to let him do the rest on his own.
He moved another half an inch.
Come on! Really?!
Drew reached for his glasses and tried to take them off again. We were only a few inches apart, so he ended up jabbing me in the eye. He put the glasses back on. I pretended like I didn’t notice. My eye was watering.
I blinked.
When I opened my eyes again, Drew was less than an inch away from me.
Whoa. Didn’t know he could move that fast.
My hands were trapped in between us. It felt like his heart was trying to escape his chest with every beat.
That cannot be healthy.
He blinked behind his glasses and moved in a little further, still not going for it.
He needs a breath mint... Eh, could be worse.
He licked his lips.
Do NOT roll your eyes at him! He needs support, come on.
I closed the distance. It was just a peck, a little tiny first kiss. I jerked back a few inches.
Oops… Well he can have the second one I gu…
Drew launched himself at me. I hit my head on the wall, but he didn’t seem to notice. He was opening and closing his mouth like a slimy, wet large-mouthed bass fish.
Ok, ok. Um. Ew. No. No. I am being supportive here. He needs me to be supportive here.
Open, close, open, close… His five O’clock shadow was chafing against my face.
Ow.
The door banged open in the other room. The Evanescence grew louder. He pulled away. I smiled at him. He got up, faced away from me, and bent down to tie his perfectly laced shoe. I pretended like I didn’t know what was going on. After a minute or so he turned around.
“Well, how was it?” he asked.
“It was good. You did great.” I lied.
It’ll get better. Right?
“It’s a per-fect da-ay”
***
OCTOBER Comes after August
“I’ve only got a sec,” I said, “I have to get to work. What’s up?”
I opened the apartment door wider so Drew could come in as I dashed around getting ready for another day of shooting with Evil Jack. He stepped in front of me and I gave him a quick hug before turning to resume the dash.
Gosh. His heart is really going! I really need to get him to see a doctor about that.
“I’m really bad at this,” Drew said. He didn’t let go of me.
Oh. Wait. This is serious.
I leaned back a little and looked up at him, “What’s up?”
He kept holding me tight. “I just don’t think this is working,” Drew said, not looking back at me, but over my shoulder at the wall.
Oh. My. God.
“Oh,” was all I could think to say.
“I just… I don’t have enough time to devote to you right now. And well, that’s not really fair to you,” Drew stuttered and held me tighter.
In other words; it’s not you, it’s me. Please.
I struggled out of his grasp. “Oh,” I said again, looking at the ground.
“And I don’t feel like I get to spend enough time with you. You’re always off on set,” Drew said softly.
I looked up at him incredulously.
Hmm, don’t you think it might have helped if you told me this. And it’s my job, I don’t have a choice but to be on set. You think I want to be with Evil Jack twenty-four seven?!
“Um,” was all I said out loud.
“I mean, I’m really thinking about you here,” Drew said to the wall.
Liar.
“I still want to be friends,” he looked at me now. His face was scrunched up, like he was trying to convince me, and maybe himself, that he was in pain.
Oh hell no!
“Oh. Um. Ok. Um. Well, if you ever need anything, I’m here for you,” I lied.
Why did I say that?
“Yeah same here,” Drew shifted uncomfortably.
“Well, I have to get to work,” I opened the door.
“Um, Bye,” Drew said as he dashed away.
I turned around mechanically and grabbed my equipment bag. I waited a few seconds so I wouldn’t run into him on the stairs. Then I locked my door and headed off to meet Evil Jack.